


Promise You Won't Read Into This

by nowsaguaro



Category: One Day at a Time (TV 2017)
Genre: Avery inexplicably not in the picture anymore lol, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Lazy rainy days, Movie Night, Post Victor's wedding post Pen's graduation, Sharing Clothes, Sleepovers, funny alvareider one-liners, the kids are on a trip with victor and nicole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-01 04:40:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18328799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowsaguaro/pseuds/nowsaguaro
Summary: The kids are out of town with Victor and, well, Schneider's not busy





	1. Done with Compliments

"Well, well, well. If it isn’t Penelope Alvarez… Hey boo, what brings you to my dirty door?"

"Do I need a reason?” Penelope tries, already second guessing her decision to come upstairs.

He smiles patronizingly. "I’m touched, truly, but there usually is a reason, yeah."

"What would be more pathetic: if I said I was lonely while the kids are with their _Papi_ , or if I said that… uh, I couldn’t come up with a lie fast enough." She kicks at the hallway carpeting in Alex’s old Bart Simpson slippers.

“Aww, Pen, how long did you say they were gone?"

"Only for the weekend! I’m just being a wimp. There’s no way I’ll survive Elena going off to freakin’ college."

Schneider grabs the top of the door frame with both hands to stretch his back. "She might as well leave the other bed in the dorm empty for you…"

“Better believe it... So are you going to invite me in? Or do you have a bunch of women in your bed waiting for you to come back?"

"Aaah so you have decided to acknowledge the effect I have on the finer sex!"

"I have decided to acknowledge that you consistently attract women for reasons still mysterious to me."

"How about you come inside and I make 'em a lil' less mysterious?” He leans on his shoulder against the door frame.

"How about I come inside and you let me eat the charcuterie board I know you have in your fridge?"

He moves out of the way to let her in, “après vous."

 

"So, is it a terrible TV show night, a funny movie night, or a magazine quiz night?” He moves over to the coffee table to Vanna White his hand over the magazines and remote.

"Comedy movie, I guess? I’m not sad, to be honest, but I want to be distracted.".

"Sounds good to me.” He picks up the remote to move to the film selection menu, “so how was your day otherwise?"

Penelope’s already tired expression flattens. “Schneider, c’mon,” she monotones while she walks over to take the remote from him.

"Well, sor-ry if a man needs a little conversation before we get right down to the main event…"

She groans, then speeds through a response, “my day was nice otherwise, a few really nice patients. Just kinda boring. But I’ll take boring.”

 

At the sight of his expectant face, she rolls her eyes and groans again. "And _yours_?”

 

"I had a chill day at the office. Fixed some of the washing machines, so, you’re welcome, _ungrateful tenant_."

“Oh thanks, _annoying landlord_. Alright, that talk is over, let’s put something on."

While she sits down to flip through more options, he stays standing, kind of delighted to be hosting. "Do you want a blanket? I know your taste leans more in the … _cotton_ direction, yeah?” He offers with a considerate yet judgmental tone.

"A blanket would be nice. And do you have a sweatshirt I could borrow? I don’t feel like going downstairs to grab one in case my mom's already back from her… whatever she and Dr. B do. I know they’re ‘platonic companions’ but I have a gut feeling that one day I’m going to walk in on them being ‘platonic’ right on the kitchen floor." She makes a _yuck_ face.

"I agree… your mother is too fiery to just – yeah, I’m just gonna go get you that sweatshirt."

"That’d be great."

 

She follows him to his massive closet.

"So, I know you’re probably thinking,” he lifts up a maroon sweater, "‘oh gross, why do you even have a ‘Montreal, Québec’ sweater in your closet if you're a classic West coast lad?’ Well, to answer your question, it’s because an evening guest was bold enough to depart with one of my shirts, leaving her East Canadian crap here for me to find."

"Schneider, there’s no way that’s going to fit me.” She waves a pointer figure around her torso.

"Ah yes, because you were gifted with… your….” he trails off and tries to look anywhere but her body.

"C’mon, how we gonna finish this sentence?” She tilts her head.

"….Gene pool.” _[Nailed it.]_

"Yes, the _girls_. They’re a gift, I know. Just give me one of yours. I’m not picky."

"And you won’t steal it?”

“I swear. Also I’m not crossing the country when I _do_ eventually leave your apartment…"

He smiles. “Thank God for that.”

Penelope smiles, too, but looking at her feet.

 

Schneider digs further in a neatly folded pile of sweatshirts and comes back up with an emerald exercise hoodie. "Here is something that you can pull over those puppies!"

"Oh, I recognize this.” She takes it from his hands to study it closer. "I like this on you."

"Yeah? Brings out these blues?” He bats his eyelashes.

She stares at him through an impatient squint– _[este cabrón]_ – before putting his hoodie on. "We’re done with compliments for the night, prolly forever."

"You afraid you’ll fall for me if you keep thinking 'bout all I got going on?” He swirls a hand around to indicate his face and body.

“Ha. That’s improbable."

Schneider’s face lights up at this before she can process where she went wrong. "Ooooh my stars, Penelope Alvarez! _Improbable_ not _impossible_?” He clears his throat, “can’t say I blame you."

_[Damage control, girl.]_ Suddenly the closet is feeling very small. "That’s not what - it was a jo - Oh shut up, as if you don’t **_ever_ ** think about me like that.” She tries to come off as accusatory but she can’t help her voice turning up at the end in a question.

"I do not, well - okay - sometimes when your knock wakes me up, I _consider_ , in the back of my mind–"

"I know you think I’ve got the goods Schneider,” now _she_ runs her hands down her body, "you’ve made that abundantly clear over the years, that’s not…” She trails off. Part of her wonders if she can just opt out of experiencing this piece of the evening, but a much louder part needs to hear what he has to say.

"Aah, _ooooh_ . You’re wondering if I ever think about, your _‘energy'_ or ‘ _smile’_ or something when you’re not around."

That was an oddly specific enough example to make her wonder if he thought about it all even more than she did. "Schneider, I’m not ‘wondering’ anything, you brought it-"

"Well, I’m always excited to hear you knocking, even if you don’t wanna take this to Pound Town."

"Thanks. I’m glad I have you to... knock.. for…?"

"Wow, Pen, I have to say, it’s usually me who ruins moments, so this is kind of a win.” He smugly smiles while he still towers over her. He throws an arm over her shoulders and pulls her to his side, “but do let me know if you ever want me to _stir that oatmeal._ "

She peels herself out from under his arm and grimaces at his wording, “alright, so let’s get down to it. **The movie!** The movie.” And they, with warm faces, both move back toward the couch.

 

Deeply pleased that he’s flustered her, he asks, “still thinking about the charcuterie board?"

"Nah, not hungry anymore."

A silence drifts through while they nonverbally agree on a film and get it playing. Of course, Schneider breaks the chill. "Y’know? That sweatshirt looks good on you. If it didn’t look ’sooo good on me,’ I would tell you to keep it."

"Maybe I _will_ just out of spite now."

“Don’t you dare.” He playfully warns her with a finger pointed in her direction.

“I don’t know… it’s surprisingly comfy…” She teases.

Schneider practically jumps over to pretend to tug it off of her and Penelope squeals, sort of unsure at first whether or not he would. “Jesus, Schneider! _¿Quéestáshaciendo?_ "

He smooths down the side of the hoodie closest to him, pinches his knuckles on the fabric over her hip, and assures her, “Relájate, Pen, I’m not actually gonna pull your clothes off. Like you said, if you steal it, I know where you live. We’d have a real capture the flag situation on our hands. Could get ugly.”

“Can we please just watch the movie?” She is able to roll her eyes so dramatically that it hurts a little bit while she gestures forcefully at the screen. Truthfully, she doesn’t care so much about missing parts of it. _[At least he pulverized all of the weird sexy electric stuff that we had going on earlier.]_ Then she realizes his hand is still up against her hip. It’s subtle and unimportant and he probably doesn’t even realize that it’s still there. But it is. Against her.

Schneider _does_ notice after a moment, but he doesn’t want to give up even a tiny opportunity to feel connected to her. He finally moves his hand back to his own lap and asks, “can I get in on that blanket action?"

She obliges, smoothing it over his legs and pulling it up to his shoulders. Maybe out of instinct, the result of years of nurturing loved ones through colds and fevers (and relapses), she runs her hand along his hairline on his forehead and pushes his hair back.

Schneider, also out of habit, licks his lips but – convinced that Penelope does not at all intend to touch him – tucks them into his mouth to hide a misfired signal.

She retracts her hand as soon as they make unusually soft eye contact. “Sorry.” She doesn’t make any moves to sit back on the couch, though, and a feeling in her stomach brings something to her attention.

 

“Okay, so, Schneider –“ she puts her hand on his chest firmly as punctuation, “promise you won't think I’m making some coded request that I want you to pick up on.”

“Shoot.” Admittedly, he’s a little nervous.

“Are you going through a” she clicks her tongue, “...dry spell, too?"

He smiles, now understanding why she felt the need to set it up the way she did, “Yeah, I am sort of trying it out on purpose. Not so much a dry spell as a hiatus."

“A healthy break.”

“It’s high pressure! Playing it fast and loose with strangers. Exhausting.”

“How long have you gone without?”

“Three weeks and two days with no lovin'! What about you?”

“Let’s just say… more than that.” She avoids his eye contact and grabs a magazine from the coffee table.

“Heard. What’s stopping you from putting yourself out there? Maybe more importantly, what makes you think you have to?”

“Me, my family. Everything. Like I’m supposed to look for love or passion. But I am so happy with my life - I don’t really want to throw new people into the ring or rework my priorities at this point.”

“I get that. I don’t like to explain my sobriety and history of addiction every time I get to know a new potential. It feels like stagnating.”

“And I don’t want to initiate the ‘guess what, I am a divorcée with two teenage kids, my mother lives in my living room, and I'll have to work our dates around my group therapy sessions’ talk every time I meet a good lookin' man.” Her curls bounce around while she throws her hands up in frustration.

Schneider pulls her feet up and onto his lap. “Even if a man finds that daunting, he’ll wrap his head around it real quick if it means getting to be with you.” He drops a heavy hand on her legs, “I promise you that.” He moves his hands up and down her blanketed ankles absentmindedly.

Penelope fights the urge to close her eyes at this - sort of like when they massage your head at the hairdresser - and tries to focus on the magazine, and the fact that he dogeared the ‘ _How To: Become Instafamous’_ infographic. Schneider quiets his voice, “there’s no way anybody could complain that there’s ’too much’ of you.” She adopts a serious face while he readjusts to warm his hands under the blanket. He moves to touch her ankles again, this time skin to skin.


	2. La Electricidad

There is a quiet minute while just the sound of the movie plays before Penelope gets up to pick at that charcuterie board after all. Looks like Schneider had gone through a lot of it since bragging about it the night before, but there is still some sweet brie and cheddar squares. She needs to swallow some of her nerves and thoughts, but it’s a difficult task to accomplish while staring at the side of his face.

When she goes back into his living room, she flicks the light off so that the couch and coffee table are glowing blue by the light of the screen.

This time she makes a point to sit down much closer to him, shoulder-to-shoulder and hip-to-hip, and she pops the small cold chunk of brie into her mouth.

Schneider turns his head to see her mouth full. “You broke apart our comfortable position just to go get cheese?"

Penelope swallows and turns her head up to him, “not just ‘cheese.’ Briieeee. I’m lucky if we have Velveeta in the house."

“You tell me what to buy, and I’ll keep a stash up here for you.”

“I will take you up on that!” She re-positions herself so the weight of her legs are on his again and she rests her head on his shoulder, arms snaked around his arm.

He turns to look down at the top of her head. “You’re just buttering me up so I follow through on my cheese promise.”

“I’m placating you so you don’t complain to me about getting up.” She taps her knuckles on his ribs.

And even through both having to go to the bathroom, they stay still for the rest of the movie.

 

As soon as the credits roll, Schneider sits up straight and claps his hands down on his knees, “so is this gonna be a sleepover? It’s 10 already.”

“Oh, sorry, did you want to sleep? I can go.” While Penelope pulls the blanket off and gets up, Schneider gets up, too, and follows her path to the door.

“Oh no, I want you here! We can stay up all night and braid each other’s hair. Tell ghost stories. Talk about boys.” At her disapproving smile, he continues, “or whatever you want, Pen. Eat more cheese, maybe –if there’s time– we could have more of those tense silences you like?"

She pokes him in the side. “Okay, I’ll stay!”

He lifts a hand to push her back toward the couch before he heads to the master bath, but his fingers accidentally slip under the hems of the sweatshirt and her shirt, briefly touching the skin right at her waist line.

 _[Does this man have a current running through him? As mami would say,_ **_tiene la electricidad._ ** _]_

\--

After washing his hands, Schneider notices his hair is sitting different since Penelope played with it. Instead of feeling warmth in the pit of his stomach, he feels fear at the rise of a familiar unwelcome feeling. He opens the door to see her lying on his bed. _[Hmm, well that doesn’t help_ . _]_

“Alright Goldilocks, what’s the verdict? This one juuuust right?”

“I was waiting for you to get out of the bathroom. I gotta go, too, and I like this fancy one better. All your smelly pretty boy products.”

“That checks out.” He sits next to her. "Proceed.”

\--

When Penelope comes out (after washing off today’s makeup) she sees Schneider laying perpendicular to his massive bed, long legs still touching the floor. She leaves the doorway to lay down beside him, her toes hanging nowhere near the floor. “You turning in for the evening?”

Without opening his eyes, he responds softly, “I’m tired, but was gonna wait to see what you had in mind for our next sleepover adventure.”

“I’m comfortable right here.” She also closes her eyes, and

-

 _suddenly_ , it’s 2am and she wakes up to a text from Victor buzzing in her sweatpants’ front pocket.

 

**[1:57AM]: we had a nice night in Big Sur, got here no problem. ordered pizza. I will fill you in tomorrow how hiking goes. Nothing too dangerous. Te prometo. Besos lil mama.**

**[1:57AM]: Oye, you better send me fotos after so I know they coming back without a scrape!!**

**[1:58AM]: Hey old lady why you up so late?**

**[1:58AM]: Text woke me. I’m assuming HOURS after you had Alex and Elena go to sleep? Na?**

**[1:59AM]: If you won’t tell me the truth, then I will just say yeah they been asleep since I picked them up from school.**

**[1:59AM]: Im telling you the truth but now I’m smh at your same old *fun guy* parenting**

**[1:59AM]: S your H all you want Lupe. &tell mystery man hello from the OG.**

**[2:00AM]: Goodnight OG.**

 

Penelope rolls onto her right shoulder to look over at Schneider, whose asleep face had fallen toward her, mouth hanging open a little. She reaches up and softly pushes his hair back again, this time dragging the pads of her fingers down his temple and running them behind his ear. _[Huh.]_

Schneider’s rumbling sleepy voice cuts through the bedroom's silence and startles her, “when you do that it makes me feel like I just died on a hospital bed. Still nice though.” He smirks slightly while she pulls back her hand. With her phone screen off again, it’s now nearly pitch black in his whole place save a sliver of city light out in the living room.

It’s scary to be this close to him with this little view of his form.

He speaks through the darkness, “call me old fashioned, but did you wanna lay so that we can use the sheets and pillows I paid good money for?"

“Oh, uh - those. I _am_ kinda excited to feel how decadently you sleep.”

Schneider leans over her body to turn on the bedside lamp.

“Hey.” He smiles, when he pushes back to be less… completely on top of her.

She puffs out through her nose. “Hey.”

He now moves all the way to standing and helps pull her to her feet. “Who were you texting so late? Are the kids okay?"

“Yeah, everyone’s okay. Just a check-in with Victor.” Penelope smiles at his concern.

“I’m glad he woke us up because my knees and neck would have felt broken if we slept that way til morning. Those fo- late thirties, man.”

“Ditto that.” She says while she fluffs a pillow in the dim light and pulls her hood up to climb into bed.

 _[God that was cute.]_ And he joins her.

 

Both of them consider speaking but, once Schneider clicks off the lamp, it just feels right to let themselves fall back asleep.

Neither of them do.

 

Penelope shifts around for a bit before sitting up to take off the sweatshirt and tie up her hair, which was glued to her neck by sweat. She runs hot randomly.

“Pen, you good?” He looks at the back of her neck.

“Yeah, I’m good, just LA problems.” When she scoots forward to lay down, she accidentally brushes his body and, looking back to make sure she doesn’t do it again, she can see Schneider is breathing deeply and quickly. _[He’s right there. You’re an adult ass woman, Penelope. Get it, girl.]_ She twists to run her hand up his side and arm while she makes her way back down to her pillow.

In under a second, Schneider finds her hips with his arms, strong enough to tug her whole body up so they are face-to-face.

She swallows and speaks first, “do you ever wonder what it’d be like?” He can feel her breath on his nose.

He nods. _[Of course I do.]_ “All the time.” He breathes back.

Already in the process of rolling them over, she dares, “so what?”

He answers her with the least shy first kiss a man has ever given her.


	3. Better Not Ask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buenos días

Penelope wakes to a buzz from Victor.

**[6:20AM]: Heading out right now. Nicole is staying back at the hotel so it’s just Papi & hijitos time. I’ll msg you again l8r**

 

Her sleep brain needs to reread this a few times.

 

**[6:22AM]: Hiking?**

**[6:22AM]: Nah, we came to the highlands to play frisbee golf! Loca ;)**

**[6:23AM]: Sorry. Out of it.**

**[6:23AM]: Big night with nameless man?**

**[6:23AM]: I’m not telling your nosey ass anything, gossip girl.**

**[6:23AM]: Te conozco y you’ll text my mother**

**[6:24AM]: Either this guy is really special or you’re embarrassed! Jaja**

**[6:24AM]: Don’t you have someone’s kids to take care of right now?**

**[6:24AM]: G2G. Some strange teenagers on the bus won’t leave me alone.**

**[6:25AM]: Tell those weirdos to be safe and I love them**

 

There is a little bit of slow rustling before the arm draped across her stomach is pulled off by its owner, reaching for his glasses.

A deep sleepy voice crackles, “good morning.”

“Morning.” Penelope smiles back.

Schneider sits up, shaking out his sleeping limbs. “How’d you sleep? For–“ he looks at his phone, “that whole one hour? _Jesus_.” He presses a button on the wall and the blackout shades over his window raise to reveal a very gray and rainy LA.

“Like a rock. A still very exhausted rock.” She smiles. _[_ _What the hell is the protocol here? Do I go downstairs to freshen up as if this was all one big house? Do I stay and eat? Do I avoid confrontation with Mami until one of us dies?]_

“I have no idea what to do or say now.” He laughs out, calming her nerves, too. “I'm having trouble remembering how I even used to sit or hold my hands! Do people put their knees up when they sit up in bed? Do they lay their hands flat on the sheets? Everything is weird!”

“Right? This was a first. A big first.”

“Do we… _talk_ about it?” He swirls around his wrist.

“I guess?” She contorts her face anxiously.

There is a long pause before Schneider offers, “well I’m happy it happened.” Part of him is tempted to add a “ _finally_ ” in there.

She exhales in relief. “I am too. It was a lot of fun.”

“And good.”

“Really good.”

“ _Really…_ ” Schneider pauses when he catches a glint in her eyes. He puts a big hand on her face and pulls her up into a kiss.

 

—

 

After assembling all her belongings (and clothes) to head out, Penelope glances out the window. Something sad about leaving here right now with the gloom outside.

She feels a complete chill when Schneider closes the door behind her as she leaves for downstairs. _[That night is over. Everything is different. I’m alone now and everything is different. If someone asks, I don’t even remember what movie we watched. I have no way of explaining away why I am this exhausted.]_

Instead of running into her mother in the living room and dealing with an onslaught of questions and judgment, she experiences something far worse: bumping into her in the hallway, while she also returns in yesterday’s clothes, heels in hand. _Blech_.

“Where were ju?”

“Where were _you_?” Penelope throws back.

Lydia purses her lips with an arched brow.

“Watchu wan for breffast?”

Okay, I guess that’s dropped. “Eggs and beans.”

“‘tá bien.”

“Gracias, Mami."

Lydia gestures for her to open the door for them, and their morning begins.

-

 

Breakfast goes by without questions and Penelope repeatedly checks her phone for new messages like check-ins from the kids or... from upstairs. Nada.

“Ju hear from Victor?”

“Early this morning, yep. They’re headed out hiking today but they left early so I think they’ll probably be coming back down soon.”

“And ju hear from Eschneider early this morning, too?” Lydia doesn’t wait for a response, she just turns back to whatever she was reading with a smug smile.

As if part of an arranged prank, Schneider walks into the apartment at that moment. Freshly showered and dressed, he strides straight across the room to Penelope to whisper closely. “I thought you were coming back up after you ate and changed.” He sees Lydia turn her head to them, “not _’back’_ up, just up. I thought you were coming **up.** ”

“Oh yeah, I forgot I said that. I had to let her judgmental chill wash over me after we ate, but I think we’re finishing up with that, yeah Mami?”

“Go espend time with Eschneider porque is been so long since ju seen eashother, nena.” She knowingly retorts.

Penelope grumbles quietly, “go rub down those feet with Viváporru, _vieja_ , cause I’m sure they’re throbbin' after your walk of shame."

“Jajaja, Lupe, what puta comedian eres tú.” She tsks her tongue. " _Sinvergüenza_.”

A little shocked that her mother heard her, but pleased that –for the first time– they can spar on an equal level of shame, Penelope turns to leave.“Okay, Eschneider, vámonos.” And she pushes him out the door.

 

\--

 

“Do I wanna know what that was about?” Schneider asks once they walk through his apartment door again.

“Well, prolly not, but if I have to suffer, you do, too: _Mami_ and my _boss_ – at least I hope it’s Dr. B not some stranger – oh,” she looks into the distance, "or _do_ I? – well, they spent the evening together.”

“Ooh, you mean like had an _encounter?_ ”

“I have been spared the details, but she got home at the same time as me, and I know what _I_ was up to.”

“Yeah ya do!” He pushes her curls over her shoulder and fixes her shirt collar. Just because he can.

“And if you say anything like ‘good for Dr. B,’ I will walk out that door.”

“I said nothing!” He puts up his hands defensively but still decides to add, “ _although…_ I am glad those two kids got around to it."

She sighs. “Ugh, I know better than to tell you these things."

“You _do_ know me very well.” He turns around to walk back to the coffee table, where he left two steaming mugs. "Things got preeetty biblical this morning.”

Penelope wonders if she’ll ever stop having stomach flips when she recalls this morning’s events.

“I made you jasmine tea, because I’m assuming you already had your cafecito.” He hands her the mug.

“You assumed right, thanks.” She finally feels like she’s not in a rush to be anywhere.

“So… you’re here because you’re… hoping for some rainy day relaxation with your bestie?”

“Maybe magazine quizzes and delivery?” She picks up the same magazine from last night.

“Have you had King Bao recently? Because I could really go for just a big bowl of white rice right now.” He holds up an imaginary bowl.

“Oooh that sounds real good. Go for it.” Penelope flips through angrily, “why are half these quizzes about Ryan Gosling?”

“Yeah, what is he even up to these days? Is he doing okay?” Schneider gets up to call King Bao from the paper menu in the kitchen.

 

\--

After tearing through an order of Mongolian beef and wonton soup, Schneider grabs the massive comforter from his bed and brings it to the couch. When they get situated together and ready for a bad weather couch nap, Penelope’s phone buzzes.

 

**[12:41PM]: All 4 of us are eating lunch. not a scratch. Me and Elena had a little fight, mostly ok now. She dont kno Im telling you.**

**[12:41PM]: Thanks for letting me know. Have you guys been down to the beach yet?**

**[12:42PM]: Going tonight. We’ll be on the road this time tomorrow. Stayin busy? Or r u and la viejita doing something sad like the crossword?**

**[12:42PM]: Yup, 6-Down is mindyobusiness.**

**[12:42PM]: just wondering! Enjoy the rain lol**

**[12:43PM]: You’re too old to say lol. Adios**

 

“All’s well up north?

“They’re fine. I’m fine. All good.” Her sleeping-next-to-a-man brain wants her to put her phone on silent, but her mom brain overrules.

Schneider’s voice is already slurring and muttering, “glad to hear it.”

Penelope pulls his sleep-heavy arm further around her - like she’s tightening a coat - and nods off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spelled "breffast" like that because that's how I used to say it when I was a lil cuban kiddo in elementary school and they teased me for my accent lmao now it's the cutest thing about me


	4. A Promising Trial Run

She wakes up, _finally_ refreshed, to the sun setting in Schneider’s apartment – with no Schneider.

He pads into the room at the sound of her rustling.

“Pen, just so you know, I’m, like, real serious about this.” He speaks as though they were in the middle of a conversation.

“Yeah?” She smiles brightly. Her emotionally cautious brain was desperately holding back from fishing for that.

“Like _really_ serious.”

“Good. Me too, Schneider.” _[Weird phrase! Weird phrase]._

“I journal'd about it while you were sleeping just now.” He thumbs to indicate the kitchen table.

Both their eyes grow wide and they race to the table. Careful not to step on her, he holds back and lets her grab it.

“What. Do. We. Have. Here?”

“That whole notebook follows my _open-at-your-own-risk_ clause. Just like my computer and _just_ like the bottom drawer of my bedroom armoire.”

She studies it closely, careful not to miss a single detail of which receipts or photos or ticket stubs he’d haphazardly shoved between the pages.

He continues on, resigned to the fact that he’ll be embarrassed eventually, “except, I _can_ confidently say that this is the only one of the three hot spots I’ve listed that isn’t hiding sex stuff.” He finishes the declaration almost proudly.

Penelope lifts up the corner of a photo so as to barely touch it, “... just this… photo-shoot of you as a cowboy?”

“There’s a taste of the Wil’ Wil’ West for ya.” He takes the picture from her quickly but he winks while he mimes dragging his fingers along the brim of a hat.

She sighs up to the ceiling and begins to laugh through some pictures from hikes featuring his old hairstyles.

“Y’know, I don’t have to sit here and take this!” Schneider teases and snatches the journal back. “The point is, you made it in there with some of my prized mementos.”

“Am I flattered?” Penelope squints at him.

“Yes!” He whines. “Honored, even.” He brings her in for a hug and thoughtfully adds, “you wanna know what flatters _me_?”

Penelope tilts her head at a 90 degree angle to look at him, “uh, oh. What?”

“You’re not after my money.” He looks down at her, forcing a few extra chins under his beard. “In fact, my excessive wealth is one of the things you hate most about me!”

“ _That’s_ what ‘flatters’ you?” She brings him in for a rougher squeeze, charmed and a little annoyed. _[Get used to that mix of emotions, estúpida.]_

“Yeah, because that just leaves my rockin’ bod that you’re after.”

She breaks the hug to look at him with her patented exhausted face.

“It’s okay to be shallow, Pen!” He lifts out his arms like he’s about to ascend into heaven.

“That’s what you’re running with? Not your _parenting_ or unconditional emotional support? Just your _‘bod’?_ I don’t even pay attention to that stuff.”

“Huh, that’s weird, because I seem to remember you paying veeery close attention to that ‘stuff’ pretty recently…” He looks up at the ceiling with pursed lips, pretending to retrieve a distant memory.

She wants to roll her eyes. It’s what he’s after. But she gets that stomach flip again. And that deeply visceral, head-to-toe thrilling tranquility of being near a man while also not having to worry about the kids. And who knows what happens to them at this time tomorrow?

  
  
  


_So._

 

* * *

 

  


Schneider squints at the light from her illuminated phone in the dark. He groans dramatically while retrieving it from the coffee table for her - without rolling her onto the floor. “I guess it’s Victor?”

“Gah.” She takes it, also squinting through what it must feel like to hold a star in your hands.

It was Victor.

 

**[9:20PM]: Packed & kids are going to SLEEP now.**

**[9:21PM]: If they have bags under their eyes tomorrow you will be hearing from me**

**[9:21PM]: Nicole’s going down as an accessory.**

**[9:22PM]: Relájate, they’ll be rested and fed by their ~fun parent.**

 

Penelope pauses while Schneider’s arm pulls her closer. _[Jesus.]_

 

**[9:23PM]: Why you messaging me while you should be living it up for your final night with Mr. Weekend??**

**[9:23PM]: You don’t know what you’re talking about chiquito**

**[9:24PM]: Oh, so if you’re at home with viejita, you wont mind going to the kitchen and reading me all the ingredients off that Cheetos bag**

**[9:24PM]: The second my babies are back home safe Im blocking your jodido number :)**

**[9:25PM]: Buenas noches :)**

  


When she sets her phone down on the floor, Schneider whisper-cheers, “tomorrow night! You did it, Pen!” He gives her a jiggle by her shoulder. “Empty nest trial run, almost done.” He gently pushes her curls down and away from her forehead and shoulders, knowing to be playful but careful with her.

Her face shifts between pensive and sad and panicked in a second.

“Hey hey, it’ll be fine. You are a great mother, and that doesn’t stop when they move out. You’re a great lotsa-things. A whole-ass person.” He squeezes her shoulder.

“I’m a whole-ass person.” She repeats it pretty triumphantly, trying to force the spirit, to maybe believe it eventually.

“ _Trial run_ went pretty well, of course.” Schneider presses their foreheads together.

“Yep. It did.” She reaches around him.

“Won’t know for sure ‘til you _really_ give it a go out there in the world.” He winks.

“Just gotta go for it I guess.” She smiles against him, the both of them illuminated by orange city light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this made you laugh  
> If you'd like to see some schmancy art and ugly memes, find me on insta @jdmwild


	5. No Lo Quiero Creer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ew

At the Alvarez kitchen table, Penelope breaks a chewing silence. “You enjoying your Mickie-D’s?”

“Pen, I know this is from the dollar menu. You make me feel cheap!” Schneider dramatically scoffs, “but yes, it’s delicious, thank you.” He does a little shoulder dance, holding a tiny biscuit sandwich between two big hands. “Not sure why you were still hungry because I _do_ think that what I made earlier was perfectly adequate.”

“There were a _lot_ of shells! How do you screw up scrambled eggs, Schneider?”

“I’m not used to making breakfast for overnight guests! I had performance anxiety.” He bites his bottom lip in a smile.

 

When the door opens, the two separate so quickly, they nearly fall of their chairs.

Penelope double-takes at the clock. “You’re early! It’s not even 2!”

Alex walks in first and exhausted-ly groans, “we left at 5 this morning. Papi wanted us to have enough time for homework.” A little touched, she pulls Alex’s head down to kiss the top – and then does the same to Elena when she comes in for a hug. Lydia repeats that right after her.

 

Penelope starts, “I hope you had a fun weekend awa–” when they both interrupt to _loudly_ tell her two different accounts of the same story. Victor walks in through the open door.

 

Schneider crosses the living room commotion to greet him.

“It’s Namesake-Alvarez! Bring it in, _papi churro_!” Schneider opens his arms for a hug.

Victor puts a hand on his shoulder instead and tries his best to be friendly – although he’s never really _‘gotten’_ Schneider, “that’s not how that’s pronounced, bro.”

“Hmmm, pretty sure it’s churro…” Schneider patronizingly smiles back.

“It’s chulo.”

“Agree to disagree.” He tries to mirror his shoulder grab.

Sliding out from under his hand, Victor resigns, “yeah, alright man.” And he walks past him to greet... _anyone else._

 

While Penelope tries to focus enough to listen to two different excited storytellers at once, Victor quietly sidebars with Lydia. “Oye, Viejita, can you answer a question for me?”

“Claro, cariño!” She grabs his bicep and he puts his arm over her shoulders to lean in and talk quieter.

“So… was Lupita here all weekend?”

“Más o menos…” She raises an eyebrow that is both pointedly judgmental and playfully mysterious, which grabs Penelope’s attention.

“Mami _whatthehell_?” Penelope whispers forcefully through gritted teeth.

 

She turns back to them but speaks loudly enough to implicate Victor. “So what did my babies eat today? Gas station hot dogs?”

Alex’s face flattens, “Mami, we can see your McDonald’s wrappers literally right there.” He flicks a hand toward the kitchen table.

“No, these were only because what _I_ cooked for breakfast was gross!” Schneider defensively adds, trying to bail her out but ultimately drawing more accusations. He catches a very infuriated expression from Penelope and –it takes him a second but– he offers a loudly whispered “ooohhh” and makes the decision to not speak anymore.

 

“Schneider… cooked... breakfast?” Elena skeptically reacts – remembering the few times she ever had Schneider food – and wonders who invited him in to poison them so early.

“Schneider… cooked?” Alex contributes, “...why?”

 

Victor, who was remaining quiet, smugly assembles what he knows and, while no one is looking, mouths, **‘** **_this_ ** _guy is mister weekend?’_ to Penelope.

She responds by closing her eyes, hoping she can Dorothy her way onto a faraway island. _[There’s no place like not here. There’s no place like not here.]_

Lydia, predicting where this is headed and feeling a rush of motherly compassion, decides to take the bullet. “Ay, it is trrue! I am havink an affair wit Esneider!” She dramatically smacks a hand down on his chest.

He freezes uncomfortably and scrunches his face, half interested in seeing how this plays out.

Alex, a little slack-jawed, responds, “I want this whole moment to be over so bad.”

“This is… so much,” Elena says while setting down her bookbag, “this is so… _much_.”

Penelope finally steps in, “wow, I was hoping you all would respect Schneider enough to know that your abuelita is obviously lying.”

Lydia acts offended, “he should be so lucky!”

“We know that she’s lying– but now we all have to picture it anyway.” Alex fake gags.

Victor, who had been looking at his shoes to laugh to himself, finally breaks his silence, “did Schneider invite you to sleep over because he is afraid of the dark, Lupe? I can’t think of too many reasons he would see you around breakfast…” Victor scratches his head to pretend to think.

Schneider almost inaudibly mutters something about being here all the time and how fear of the dark is an evolutionary trait.

“Is that helping, Victor? Are you helping at all?” Penelope bites.

“Oh, I’m not trying to help,” he laughs at the situation.

“Isn’t Nicole out there just sitting in the car?”

“Oh, got to go!” He hugs Lydia, Alex, and Elena in a hurry and peace-signs goodbye to the rest before he snaps the door closed behind him.

A human tornado, all havoc then gone in a second.

Penelope lets out a sigh so reluctant and serious that even Schneider braces himself for morbid news.

 

“So…” Elena starts, “where exactly did we land on Abuelita and Schneider’s fake relationship? Should we unpack how we got there?”

Lydia purses her lips and looks to the ceiling before retreating behind the curtains.

Relieved to finally flounder in front of a smaller audience, Schneider whispers to Penelope, “are you gonna tell them?”

Penelope rolls her eyes _[este hombre]_ and answers, “they can hear ya, slick!”

“Uh, I don’t think so. I’m whispering.”

“No we can hear you.” Alex cuts in, “can you please just tell us whatever the big deal is about breakfast?”

Elena adds on, “I am beginning to care less about this.” She picks up her bookbag from the floor to head back to her room, “I’m gonna call Syd– oh, wait– Schneider, we got you something!” She points to Alex.

“Oh right,” he pulls out a replica of Brixby Bridge, the major tourist trap in Big Sur, “for your terrarium.”

Schneider gasps and claps a hand over his mouth. “Thanks you two!” Elena, already on her phone, waves goodbye to everyone on her way to her room.

“Can I come find a spot for it?” Alex asks, looking for an excuse to hang out with Schneider after all that time with his dad.

“We can even make a new bottle terrarium and miniature Big Sur!” He looks at Alex’s lower energy face and adds, “or yeah, just in the one I have.”

  
-  


As they walk into the apartment, Alex starts, “hey, Schneider, can I use your iPad real quick? It takes way better pictures than my phone.”

“Oh, I don’t have anything set up yet.”

“I meant of me…”

“Well then okay.” He purses his lips to get to work.

 

Before Alex gets a chance to open the camera app, a text pops up on the top of the screen. _[It’s from Mami?]_

**[2:48PM]: Nah, he knows me too well & figured out I had a weekend thing when he was checking in about the kids.**

_[Uh.]_ Alex waits until Schneider sees it and replies before opening the app. Today’s messages read:

 

**[2:46PM]: So did you tell Victor or are his army senses that finely tuned?**

**[2:48PM]: Nah, he knows me too well & figured out I had a weekend thing while he was checking in about the kids.**

**[2:48PM]: Just a *weekend thing*, huh? Did you give the weekend thing a name?**

 

Alex’s brain record scratches. He closes iMessage before the next notification comes in. And then it appears at the top of the screen.

 

**[2:48PM]: I didn’t tell him anything! Part of me wanted to take this secret to the grave.**

 

He looks over at Schneider, who smiles at his phone on the couch. He watches him struggle to text with a pinky finger to avoid putting down his tweezers. He opens the app to watch the conversation buzz in.

 

**[2:49PM]: See I was hoping you’d want to take ME to the grave.**

**[2:49PM]: ¿?**

**[2:49PM]: That was supposed to be #funny &romantic but it came out real murdery**

**[2:49PM]: Sure did.**

 

When Alex sees another typing bubble pop up, he decides to close out of the app entirely and end the discoveries there. “Hey, Schneider, I’m gonna head out. The hair’s too deflated for anything good.”

Schneider, still smiling from his text conversation looks up distractedly. “Alright man, and thanks for the bridge. The metal goes perfectly with the succulents.”

Alex is out the door quickly, leaving Schneider alone with his mini terrarium. _[I could sorta see this coming but if I had known it’d be this hard on the stomach…]_

 

\--

 

“Mami!” Alex already starts the word from outside the door, having debated whether to confront her first or to gossip with Abuelita.

“What’s up, Papito?” Penelope rushes out of the kitchen.

“What did you do this weekend?”

She approaches with caution. _[No heads up from Schneider so this_ **_has_ ** _to be unrelated… right?]_  “Hung around here, mostly. What’s happening?”

“Oh, just wondering, because I thought you had a ‘ _weekend thing_.’”

Penelope closes her mouth tightly, trying to keep her eyes from bugging out of her head.

Alex pries more, but cautiously, “what is this? And you talk to _me_ about lapses in judgment…”

“The ‘weekend thing’ was a joke. I- uh- it was a real choice. Calculated – wait, just to make sure – are we talking abou-”

“About you and Schneider doing something weird while we were gone.” Alex’s face is pained and a little hopeful that he’s not piecing together what he thinks he is.

“Yeah. That’s… true…” Penelope winces, wishing she could summon Schneider to be the one to clumsily handle this instead of her feeling like her teenage son is about to ground her for lying.

He looks at his shoes, then looks at her in the eyes. “Yeah, I’m gonna go to my room. Goodnight.”

“Okay, it’s 3pm!”

Alex is already heading down the hallway when he yells back, “maybe we can talk about it at dinner, over some Burger King!”

_[Entonces. I definitely lost that battle.]_

 


	6. This Cheesy Mierda Wit Ju

Schneider makes the clueless decision to join the family for dinner and Penelope is a mixture of reluctant and… reluctant. As she briefs him on the situation (“I’m pretty sure everyone knows.”), he bites back a mischievous smile. Which she resents.

 

While everyone digs into their arroz con pollo, Schneider whips his hands against the table. “So.” Everyone - even Penelope - braces themselves while Lydia is the only one to keep eating. Schneider grabs Penelope’s hand, hoping someone else will actually take the wheel from there for the conversation.

Elena puts her fork down and begins, “so what exactly are we looking at here?”

Alex quickly adds, “and let’s really think about what we should and _shouldn’t_ share.” He makes a sweeping motion with his hands.

“Okay, then you lead.” Penelope offers this, mostly because she doesn’t want another ‘period talk’ situation. “What questions do you have?”

"I’ve got a question." Elena holds up a hand like she’s in a classroom.

With a brave face, Penelope answers. “Shoot.”

“This guy?” Elena laughs out.

Schneider fakes a shocked and outraged face. “ _This_ guy,” he points to his chest, “is studying sustainable development for you, young lady!”

 _“‘Young lady?’”_ Penelope and Elena question at the same time.

Schneider quickly corrects, “young _future senator!_ ” He adds, “and – I’ll have you know – they’re calling me the ‘Super Super’ around here!”

“ _You’re_ calling you that” Alex retorts.

“Hey, Schneider,” Penelope puts a hand over his hand, “I’ll take it from here, lindo.” She turns back to the family. “So, before we get into a _fight_ about how weird our _loyal_ and _dedicated_ friend Schneider is, how about you finish your abuelita’s nice meal and, oh!, catch up on all that homework left after your Big Fun Vacation?”

“Sorry, Schneider.” Elena gives.

Alex follows, “yeah, I’m sorry, Schneider.”

They all look over at Lydia.

“¿Qué? I’m not doing this cheesy mierda wit ju. Voy a hacer café.” She gets up from the table.

“Abuelita, you care more about your Café Bustelo than this moment we’re having?” Elena asks.

“I donno guat ju wan me to say to that.” In the door-frame to the kitchen, Lydia catches Schneider’s eyes to wink and mouths something that was either _"guapo"_ or _"te amo,"_ and he'll take either.

  
-

After Lydia gets to work in the kitchen, the kids retreat to their rooms, leaving Schneider and Penelope alone at the table.

Penelope smacks the table. “So, I guess that part’s over. Or, I guess, kicked off.”

“Hey, Pen–” Schneider begins, when Lydia whistles to get their attention in the kitchen.

“What, Mami?” Penelope calls, knowing her mother won’t answer and they’re just supposed to get up to go into the kitchen. _[Ugh.]_ Which they do. “What, Mami?” She repeats.

Lydia turns around to face them, sipping on a tiny cup of evening café. “Okay, so ju both e-started this and ju are in jur forties. Guat ju gonna do next?” She pokes Penelope in the side. “Talkink to the both of ju.”

“Mami, can’t this wait – I don’t know – a week?” Penelope sarcastically asks.

“Ah, Lupita, entiendo, ju got twenty years and need the e-seven estrra days.”

Penelope blushes, having had similar conversations since she was 15. _[Usually Mami manages the tiniest bit of subtlety when the man is actually there.]_ “It has _not_ been like this for twenty years, Mami.”

“Bueno, pues ju known him that long, now ju’ve seen that _Esneider body._ Guat else is there?” She really, genuinely, seems to rack her brain.

“Ah, Mami, stop!” Penelope smashes her eyes closed and flails her hands. _[Cuban mothers!]_

Schneider leans against the counter. “Um, there’s love, fidelity, planning, habit, trust. Lotsa stuff. And Pen has Alex and Elena to worry about. It’ll take time.” He finally looks over at Penelope, whose eyes were burning a hole in the side of his face, “especially the trust. Especially with me.” He can hardly break eye contact with her. This kind of situation is very new for him, but he’s confident that de-escalation is one thing his childhood prepared him for. And the two women think he’s handling being cornered with handsome grace.

“Ye–” Penelope clears her throat, “yeah. All o’ that.”

Without saying anything, Lydia raises an eyebrow and tiptoes her cafecito and water crackers out to the couch.

They both chuckle uncomfortably. Penelope turns to look at Schneider and flicks her head toward the fire escape.

\--

Out in the night air and with some big-family-big-city version of privacy, Penelope pushes her curls out of her face to look up at Schneider again. “Y’know, Schneider, I don’t think any of that stuff is gonna take _that_ much time.” She smiles a bright toothy smile.

He brings her into his chest and whispers into the top of her head, “what stuff?” He knows he is prodding her for vulnerability and can practically feel her eye roll.

“Really? The trust,” Penelope digs her head deeper into his chest, “and making plans. And the– all the rest.” She breaks away to look up at him, newly shrouded in curls. Schneider pushes them out of her face with a single hand swipe.

He smiles teasingly her, “and the– all the rest?”

“ _Ugh_ , just take the win, Schneider.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @jdmwild on instagram :)

**Author's Note:**

> I own none of the One Day at a Time characters.  
> The kids are in "Big Sur" which is a cliff-side hiking/camping/swimming area about a 6hr drive up the coast from LA.


End file.
